Saturday, June 13, 2015
So you've found yourself single. Happens to the best of us. A whole new world of drinking excessively on a weeknight opens up and you find yourself having bought a Playschool VHS on Ebay and hitting up someone you fucked back in 2010 who is probably in a stable, adult, happy relationship filled with homemade marmalade, exercise, and matching cardigans.
I have been musing over the past few hours about what the best and worst parts about being single are. As you know they say the grass is greener on the other side, but the thought of arguing in Woolworths over the flavour of Airwick spray you are going to need for your new shared bathroom with your significant other makes me want to wax my eyelashes off.
+ Having the freedom to dance around in your undies to all of the songs that you find sexy. Even though you are almost guaranteed to look like a fucking idiot while doing so, you can get your own self into the mood then swiftly masturbate in around 2-3 minutes.
+ Lying in, on and around your bed with no hairy, snoring, sweating, sexually inconsiderate mess lying beside you. Also, knowing that you have the choice to have a different wooly mammoth beside you each night of the week if you so choose.
+ Sex with strangers
+ Casual Sex
+ Shameless sex through glory holes if you so wish.
+ Actually understanding what all of those 90s rappers were talking about. E.G: 'You can give me some head/ But keep the breakfast in bed / I'd rather spend the morning digging through some records instead.'
+ Not having to buy half assed birthday presents.
+ Not having to pretend to enjoy family outings.
+ Having disgusting things to talk about with your mates.
+ Ticking off your BUCKET LIST
+ Drinking in bars by yourself
+ Making a complete dick of yourself in front of strangers knowing full well you'll never see them again.
+ Cry wanking
+ Watching other people on dates. Especially Tinder dates- you can spot them a mile off. The chick is usually playing with her hair as the guy slowly counts the drinks and the minutes til he can fuck her.
+ Wearing only socks and undies around the house with no make up on while simultaneously eating an enchilada and singing Kate Cebrano
+ Those halve loaves of bread at IGA
+ Seeing how far you can go while texting weirdos
+ Googling all things UFOs, serial killers, ex porn stars, dugongs, baby gorillas etc.
+ Figuring out what would be your spirit animal.
+ Pulling your ham string trying to flirt with bartenders who just want to do their fucking job and don't care that you can tie a knot in your cherry from your Amaretto sour.
+ Watching romantic comedies with your room mates and laughing when the arc in the story comes and the guy disappoints the girl and the sad music plays.
+ Buying sex toys.
+ Driving around the city listening to gangster rap and scream singing it out of the window to unsuspecting couples who are just trying to have an early dinner before settling in to an evening of foot rubs and minimal foreplay.
- Watching romantic comedies with your room mates and realising that the chick you most identify with is the brunette room mate/best friend of the main character rig girl who smokes cigarettes and swears and is outwardly promiscuous.
- Men assuming you want a relationship based on the fact that you're a woman and they themselves have watched too many romantic comedies and never noticed the brunette smoking room mate/best friend who swears and is outwardly promiscuous.
- The droughts.
- Being too forward the drunker you get.
- Dinner dates.
- Listening to the rain while lying in bed (but only for the fact that you don't have an umbrella and you would assume that if you had a significant other they would probably carry an umbrella which you could use the next day as you traipse to the markets for a gozleme)
- No one to shout you the extra guacamole.
- Boring small talk.
- No one to remind you to eat your vegetables.
- No one giving a shit who is on your most fuckable list that you would definitely bone if you were in a relationship. But you aren't in a relationship so if you ever do get to meet David Duchovny, you can just fuck him. Guess it's not that bad then.
- Thinking strippers are into you.
- Those halve loaves of bread you can buy at IGA
- Shouting people drinks.
Single life is actually a beautiful diamond period of your life where you don't give a fuck what anyone thinks and you can genuinely do all of the things that the laws of a relationship rule out. So go forth - drink that 16th bloody mary, text that person at 3am, play spin the bottle, be an idiot, fuck around, send weird snap chats and for the love of god don't ever settle.
Monday, June 1, 2015
People love fucking.
I believe it was Einstein who said that, and who's going to argue with that guy? No one...because none of you are mediums and John Edward is a dirty fraud. In fact, so are you. I have spent weeks interviewing a heap of people who I happen to know love having sex and have compiled a handy little list that you can take home with you tonight as you are cry masturbating in the shower as all normal 20 somethings do every Monday evening. Right?
Anyway, here you will find a comprehensive note of all the dirty little things that I have compiled (after many drunken nights asking people forcefully what they would love to have on their Fucket List usually followed by: What? What's that?) that we as humans love to do so much that we risk everything in order to, including and not limited to our precious dignity.
In the words of Marvin Gaye, let's get it on:
1. Sex under the Harbour Bridge at around 2am on a Wednesday morning. (I've thought about it)
2. A session in which you don't speak before, during, or after
3. Sex with food (take that as you will)
4. Do a line of coke off a buttock.
5. To completely dominate someone (I guess 50 shades of grey was a pretty big hit)
6. Attend a Swinger's Club
7. Have sex on the side of the road during a road trip.
8. Fuck on a plane. (There's motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane)
9. Have sex with a woman as a straight woman completely sober.
10. Join a couple as a third.
12. Have sex again with the person who took your virginity years later.
13. Film yourself
14. To be completely dominated (I guess 50 shades of grey was a pretty big hit)
15. In the back of a truck.
16. Sex with an extremely tall man/woman
17. Sex with someone in a fluffy mascot outfit. (HAAAAAA)
18. In front of other people.
19. In the change rooms of a shop.
20. Going down on someone in a car, while driving.
21. Give a man head in less than 5 minutes.
22. Break a shower.
23. Camping wilderness.
24. Foot sex.
25. Boob sex.
26. Butt sex.
27. Sex with a musician (isn't that everyones?)
28. On top of a washing machine
29. In your/their parents bed.
30. In some form of water (I highly recommend not doing this by the way- it can ruin sex for you for quite some time)
31. On a ski lift (obviously a shralper)
32. Take someone's virginity.
33. At a house party.
34. Experience the throw down.
35. Experience an orgasm (sad but true in many cases- c'mon boys)
37. On the beach (heard of a prawn cutlet?)
38. With a complete stranger.
39. Fuck a cougar
40. Someone with a beard going down on you.
41. Fucking a D List celebrity
42. At a festival.
43. While high.
44. With a bartender.
45. With a stripper.
46. With a prostitute.
47. A the rooftop of a building.
48. In front of your old high school.
49. On the stoop of someone's house
50. Hate sex.
So far this is all I have compiled from a smattering of my friends and a little bit of my own tucked away in there. Soz if this is a bit too wild for your Monday night, this is what I like to talk about with my significant acquaintances and now you all known (anonymously) how fucked up their heads are and how much they probably haven't been banged out lately.
Single life is a tumultuous rollercoaster of disappointing liaisons and mind blowing experiences, its all about finding what you can get away with and ticking off your list one point at a time.
So, how did you go?