Monday, June 25, 2012
I dont know what has gotten into the water lately, but me and my friends are boy crazy.
Its becoming an epidemic like swine flu. A Current Affair will surely be doing some shitty story on it soon enough with giant red stamps labelling us all as HUSSIES or DICK CHASERS. But I swear we aren't.
MEN: No matter who you are, there is probably a point in the past few weeks where I have looked at you and thought, "he's a bit of alright."
I need to stop. I need to get ahold of my self and settle down, realise that there are things wrong with the male species and focus on them so as to not spontaneously combust. I just can't help but stand back and admire the male form like some sort of dero old bastard standing in the smokers section of an RSL watching the chicks pass by. I am about a week away from chucking on a fake beard, fluros and those things that cover your ankles that look like elephant feet and whistle out to passers by.
There is always a point when you have been single for a while when you start turning into a sleazy fuck. I have reached that point and I apologise.
One minute you are perfectly fine, the next minute you are throwing some innocent bystander into the wall and making out ferociously. But is it alright if a girl does it to a boy? Probably not, I mean if Schapelle Corby did that shit upon her first few minutes out of the prison cell you would probably be pretty off it.
While discussing this boy mania that has been sweeping the nation, I have come across an interesting theory brought upon by some of my male friends.
Now, there is some sort of thing about how vaginas are actually Superman in human form, and not only can vaginas fly faster than a speeding bullet, but they can also hold tremendous power over the male sex.
I, personally have never been privy to this fact and was shocked when hearing that no matter what the situation, chicks pretty much have one over dudes 60% of the time.
This is the theory anyway:
If you have a glory box and a boy wants to pick your lock then you therefore have his balls in a vice.
Use this information wisely girls, because no one likes to see a chick string a dude along for ages, it makes him look pathetic and you look like a Westinghouse.
But then again boys, don't let the pussy overpower you. Don't bow down to the pussy just because its all nice and warm and inviting. You can't curl up in there and read a book, this isn't the cafe section of Borders. Remain a man and you will surely find yourself nestled deep within the crevice of your choosing.
Sometimes I get sad about the chick who don't have any pussy power. But I had an interesting conversation with a taxi driver on the weekend which made me realise that there truly is someone out there for everyone.
This was how it went:
TAXI MAN: Oh, you are white girls. I am not into white girls, your nipples are way too small.
ME & RACH: WHAT?
T M: I love a woman with really big nipples, the ones where they take up most of the boob. You white girls don't have that, I like black girls they have huge nipples.
R: Im sorry we are white chicks with small nipples. I thought all dudes liked small nipples.
T M: No, not me. It is my fantasy. My wife has HUGE nipples and I love them.
M: I have huge nipples.
T M: (getting excited) REALLY? But you are a white girl!
M: Na just kidding I have tiny tiny nipples.
T M: oh....
So there you have it, seems everyone has pussy power. Or nipple power. It just depends which cab you get into.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Here is a misguided guide on how to pick up chicks by a chick, please indulge yourself and then disregard the following (or don't and let me know how you go):
BE A FUCKWIT.
Now this may be a pretty obvious one. But I feel I may need to explain it in further detail. Being a fuckwit to the fairer sex is an art. Not just everyone can go out there and be a fuckwit. The girl MUST be attracted to you in some way, shape or form before you can execute your fuckwittedness. If you want this woman, you should acknowledge her presence, perhaps compliment her and then proceed to talk to as many chicks around you as possible. This should not be the plan for the whole night, may I add. I know I have, and so have many of my girlfriends, been in the situation where they are undecided on a boy. Should I or should I not put it down? Is the question bouncing around in their pretty little heads. The most sure fire way of showing that you are hot property is by employing the above technique. At the end of the night (if she has stuck around, if she hasn't then she just wasn't that into you) make sure she is the last person you speak to and have that cheeky look on your face. Guaranteed her competitive streak has come out by now, and you will be in, son. PS telling her she looks like shit doesn't count. "I simply want him more because he looks the other way"- no truer words have been spoken. Thank you Flight Facilities.
DONT JUST TALK ABOUT YOURSELF.
This has become a common mistake amongst the male crew. I know I have heard many a complaint about the dude rattling off all the shit he likes to do. I knew a guy once who proceeded to list every single kind of accompaniment that could ever possibly go into a cockatil. Blueberries, cinnamon, strawberries, pineapple, lychees, sugar, salt, pepper, chillies, your mum, heroin, car seat covers, the sleeve of a mohair jumper from General Pants. Fucking everything. It was inane and made me zone out to tolerate the bullshit that was coming from this dude's mouth. I began thinking about what I would do to combat a zombie apocalypse. Seriously. I think about that all the time. I would pretend to be one of them using my Halloween costume from last year then get a huge truck with massive wheels and run them all over and probably head down Wilfred Barrett Drive to Maitland because there sure as shit wouldn't be any zombies out there, theres barely any humans out there. Anyway, so don't talk about yourself all the time, its boring and we as chicks are vain creatures who love to tell you all about what we can put in cocktails and how we would kick some zombie ass.
DONT SAY WEIRD SHIT.
Last night someone told me that I should have slashed the faces of the girls who came before me in the Pedestrian Bachelorette of the Year Awards. I did not even know what to say back, let alone make eye contact with the dude. It was weird. & I have read too much shit about people eating each other in America at the moment to not be scared by that. Saying weird shit may be fun while you are whispering it into your X Box headset while playing COD or whatever it is (is COD right? yeah should be, Call Of Duty-yep.) but saying it in public in front of women makes you look like Patrick Bateman, but no one is a bigger babe than Christian Bale- so its pointless. "I work in murders and executions", "What?", "I work in mergers and acquisitions."
BUY A CHICK A DRINK.
This makes us sound like whores. But I swear we aren't. Its a gesture that holds more currency than your $6.50 vodka pineapple. Its the most gentlemanly thing we have come to expect besides offering a coat when its cold. Even better if she is at the bar with you, because those Beery lines sure do get crowded and will allow you to get extra close to the one you covet. If you think that buying a chick a drink means that all they want is money, then you have bigger problems anyway and need to reorganise your girl-hate metre.
TELL HER YOU LOVE BIGGIE SMALLS.
Maybe this will only impress me? But I dont want to hear about all the heaps cool indie bands you have just discovered lately. I want to make some love to Juicy, so sue me! But dont tell me you love hip hop and then refuse to engage in a rap battle with me. Its disrespectful, haha. I just love a man who loves a bit of Big. One day he may be "putting 25 carats in my baby girl's ear"- and that could mean anything from earrings to a gold plated, diamond encrusted condom. Your choice. I think I know which one you would choose.
There is nothing like a bit of mystique. I mean being the funniest person in the room also helps, I am sure Jason Segel could attest to that. But there is something sexy about a brooding babe in the background who doesn't seem to give a fuck what is going to happen that night. You know the one. The one who isn't out to just get some puss, he doesn't mind if it happens or not. You can spot the dudes whose life mission that night is to see some tits. When all they need to do is look in the mirror. They are always slightly sweaty, have dry corners of the mouth, their chest is puffed out and they can't make eye contact with anyone for more than 2 seconds as they are continually scanning the room for some ass.
Good luck boys.