Sunday, May 27, 2012


As someone who has been involuntarily abstinent for a while now, I feel I am a fitting mouthpiece to guide you through some things that dont necessarily need to be spoken about, so if sex makes you queasy turn back now.

Thanks for everyone who stayed on (Im going to guess 100% of you did because who doesn't love to talk about sex?) & get aroused for some home truths about one of the most basic human instincts.

There has only been a handful of experiences in my life that still make me weak in the knees to this day.

From an encounter (of the third kind- na I I have been watching WAY too much X Files for my own personal wellbeing at the moment) nearly four years ago, I would like to draw on to gain inspiration to write this post.

I am still not quite sure if the reason why it was so intergalactically (here I go again, fuck) incredibly amazing because it was kind of forbidden, but I think it later came to play that it was down to outrageous chemistry- anyway here is a true story it happened to a friend of a friend of mine:

For legal reasons, X is the girl and Y is the boy. sweet.

[After a long night of partying, X and Y found themselves alone finally. They parked outside X's old high school and decided to listen to some music and have a chat about the previous night's events. Somewhere along the way, a kiss was exchanged prompting a hand to be slid along Y's chest as Y climbed over to X. X's hands tugged at Y's crisp white shirt breaking the buttons and causing lips to be bitten and pupils to dilate. What followed could only be remembered by X in a kaleidoscopic memory of colours, splices of songs and the heat of Y's breath on the cold winters night.]

That sounded like an indie romance novel. My apologies.

Its always the best when it isnt planned I think. When you just think, hey what are we doing here outside St Josephs Catholic College half naked and "listening" to music really loudly?

What happened that I have broken your buttons and you have lipstick smeared all over your face?
Why dont we care? Shoudnt we take a look in the mirror and realise that we look like fuckwits?

For some reason, when you have that chemistry with someone, all sense of reason goes out the window.

Now I know, most of the people who read this are people who know me pretty well and wouldnt like to imagine the thought of me getting pumped, but fuck sometimes these things need to be spoken about because I look around sometimes and dont see any kind of "rip your clothes off" chemistry, and thats a fucking shame.

Its not like I am judging you and your boyfriends (dont get in a huff), its just something that I haven't experienced for a while and I dont know if that is because everyone is too busy tagging themselves as:
"So & so checked in at fucking behind the public toilets at Kincumber Oval"
or, if we all aren't that compatible as we think we are.
I DONT KNOW, AND I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU (if thats what you are thinking).

Its when kissing and fucking dont occur one at a time you know?
Does anyone understand what I am talking about, or am I just talking shit?

I am trying to articulate how it is when you feel that sense of wild abandon with another person.
I want to understand why that is different with different people?

Why is that do you think? Is it because some people like talking about it in your ear (which I find a complete turn off might I add. I think if its that good, you dont need reassurance)
Its the kind of thing people do in really long term relationships. You know those relationships that need to meet each other at the bus stop in rain spattered trench coats and act like they have different names (perhaps Candy or Britney etc) and pretend they are just picking each other up off the street.

I think when you have that complete succinct compatibility with someone else in the bedroom (or the car-whatever) then you don't need to try so hard to....trying to find a word for this without sounding crude.....get off? (great Prince song by the way)

I dont know if I am fucked up, but sometimes the fondest memories I have of past conquests aren't the ones spent holding hands underneath some shitty fireworks display or a fucking smooch on the forehead...but rather the memories of the ones who I had that compatibility with.

I have a firm belief that it doesn't matter what you are packing in your trunks- you and her could be like two soggy pieces of bread (limp bizkit anyone?) between the sheets unless you have the right chemistry.

The best part about this chemistry by the way, is the fact that it is hard to see with the naked eye. It is always a surprise. I dont think its all in his kiss, if you know what I mean, I am talking to you Cher.

Sex is something that is a throw away action nowadays. I remember when it was such a big deal when me or one of my friends lost their virginity. It was like announcing when you passed your L's test. But chances were, it was awkward as fuck and you would rather not remember it right? SAME AS YOUR L'S TEST. I think I am onto something here!

Not saying you should get chastity rings and start listening to the Jonas Brothers for inspiration, just that I think you should hold on to the ones you have chemistry with. That is something I have learnt along the way, whether or not that is a good or bad thing I dont know.

Hold on to the ones who can take you to outer space, rather than the ones who take you to Maccas.