Monday, April 30, 2012
I wanted to address all the weird things in life that just seem to happen regardless of how it looks or what you may really think about them. This post may ruin some of these things, as these components of life probably just shouldn't be analysed, but fuck it I think its funny.
Come on, its weird. I thought of this one while reviewing Creamfields on the weekend. There were people shuffling thinking they were killing it and then people who had little to no co-ordination it was amazing to see. Almost amazing because it was so wrong. Then you have the thirteen year olds in America or maybe in your local Bateau Bay blue light (never been to one-devo) who are scraping their asses on just popped up packages encased in khaki shorts that their mum bought them. It looks so fucked to see, pre-pubescent girls dropping it like its hot to Taio Cruz while some equally young little man with a freshly broken voice box looking down at it in horror like he never knew he could get a boner before. Something so gross about it. Then you have the parental dancing. My dad kicked me in the face before because he was dancing to J-Lo's 'Lets Get Loud' at a wedding and thought it was appropriate to do a high kick which in turn split his good pants and resulted in his daughter with a split lip. Then there was the dancing in late 2006-2007 usually done to a Ministry of Sound CD. You know what im talking about. Its just so funny, dancing, it can make you look like a total knob but feels so good while doing it. I love looking out onto a dancefloor and seeing someone who think they are just killing it, and I hope they are. Dont let me forget the dude who dances up behind you and you only realise he is there once you can smell the dorito breath on your shoulders. Then he grabs your hand and you try and pull away giving your mates the "HELP ME RIGHT NOW OR I WILL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN" eyes. Bless your creepy souls and the dance you obviously went to creep TAFE to get a diploma for.
Kissing is really fucking weird when you think about it. You touch mouths together and use your tongue to press up against each other. I feel like I have ruined it for a few people just then, but I am single and not kissing anyone so I dont care. Sometimes it makes you feel nothing but the afrorementioned physical commuication, while other times its like you were shot into galaxies much like when Ron Burgundy had sex with Veronica Corningstone for the first time. This is a rare occassion. Sometimes when you are kissing someone you feel like you are eating one of Willy Wonka's special "all in one meal" chewing gum and thats fucked. But I am a smoker, so sorry. I find sometimes when you really like someone or have amazing chemistry with them, even if their breath smelt like Rosie O'Donnells ass, you dont seem to notice it. AHH young love.
Dont you think its kind of weird how we are really interested in what other people are doing all day? Like when people write their statuses as "Just had the best shower" or "Just watched The Avengers/Hunger Games" (or whatever other TV show/Movie is copping review gobbies at the moment) & yet you still read it and think "They just ate a burger. hmm, interesting I wonder if it had aioli on it". Or am i the only one? We check into places because we think people are interested in it, and as much as people may protest to their intrerest- they so are. They are still sitting on the train with their phone in their hand, refreshing right near Wondabyne and cursing the lack of reception in that pocket. I am not ragging on people who post mundane status updates because then I would be a hypocrite. A recent status of mine was, "It would be spiteful to put jellyfish in a trifle". GROUNDBREAKING.
4. PEOPLE'S "TYPES"
I was listening to Kisschasy this morning (and probably this afternoon on the way home from this hellhole known as Penrith) and Dazza the babe Cordeaux said, "You look like my type, so get in line," and I thought how weird it is that people have certain types. Some of my friends require that their spouse or potential booty call must be taller than them. I am not as fussy, I dont care about height (but maybe thats because Ill take what I can get). Other prefer certain hair colours, some the same as them (narcassicism) or some the complete opposite (self-hatred) whatever it may be, there does seem to be a certain category of looks that people pick and go for. One friend of mine, no matter how hard we tried, would never tell us the type of person they go for. It took hours of persuasion and yet they would still not answer. Maybe they were the only person who did not have a type and just loved all women like Hank Moody. Why does everyone want to be Hank Moody nowadays? For one he is fictitous, secondly David Duchovny would get WAY more ass then Hank Moody, thirdly- no one will ever get more ass than David Duchovny. I can't decide on my type, I suppose someone who is kind of brooding and moody (not Hank), dark and a general shithead to deal with. Looks like I have the pick of the bunch. Then again, tomorrow it will probably change. All I know is that I love a gap, NO SHIT you all say. Whereas some girls are just universally hot. Majority of my friends are universally hot and coveted by the majority of blokes. I think Im like snails- an aquired taste.
5. PYJAMAS VS. SLEEPING NAKED.
Wearing a completely different set of clothes to go to sleep in? Love the idea, cheers life. People wearing pyjamas is pretty weird when you think about it and kind of cute. Not in the dirty Hugh Hefner way- I dont think he has changed his sweaty robe since 1973- must smell like actual death. But pyjamas are hilarious, why do we wear them? Our mum and dad told us to wear them and now thats the way it is. Although most of the men I know sleep naked. Even in winter. I thought the balls were heaps temperamental, I dont know how dudes can sleep naked and not get it twisted in the middle of the night? It astounds me! If I sleep naked, at some point my boobs annoy me and i put a top on. It doesn't work for me, not saying Im like fucking Pamela Anderson- but Its honestly uncomfortable unless Im drunk. I love my PJs, I have nice little shorts and shit- at the moment Im wearing a Cold Chisel shirt to the land of nod and even though it is weird, the best part of the day has to be when slipping into some PJs. If you sleep naked, kudos- but I would probably change your sheets more often.
Everyone gets dressed in their little outfits and does their little hair and then gathers together with assorted alcohol or illicit drugs and sits around together and talks until the early hours of the morning. Some even dance (see above). Parties are fucking weird when you think about them. Who is invited, what people are talking about, who ends up being "that guy". Its a soup of mismatched components that usually end up in a spewing, crying chick; some sort of fisticuff and a shattered piece of glass (from a window to VB- it depends). People end up making out (see above) in corners, and some end up inadverdently recreating a binge drinking advertisement brought to you by the Government of Australia. Chicks wear heels to parties as well, funny haha.
The end.....for now.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
I wanted to write this post for all the girls out there at the moment, all the single girls (there aren't many at the moment- but still) who are feeling a little lost, disillusioned and/or bitter about the whole dating world (AKA men.)
The following is taken from real life experiences from women I know:
I know that he masturbated next to you and came on your back after you politely asked him to leave.
I know that he awkwardly rubs up against you when he is drunk (& only when he is drunk)
I know he said he would call and seemed heaps sincere, but didn't.
I know he got angry at you for not coming over to suck his dick.
I know that once he hit it, he quit it faster than when he hit it.
I know that he pushed your head down when he wanted a gobbie and you felt like you had to.
I know that he talked about how much he liked you then never spoke to you again or looked you in the eye.
I know he treated you with disdain and hatred when you didn't want to put out.
I know he was messaging you when he was in bed with another girl.
I know he calls you crazy.
I know he has lied to you about what he really thinks of you.
I know he has told you to shut up because he doesn't like what you are saying.
I know he has made yet another inane "kitchen" or "sandwich" joke.
I know he has some sort of women issues that he takes out on you, because you were born a woman.
I know he called you a slut or a bitch.
I know he choked you.
I know he had every intention of letting you know that you aren't that special.
I know that he threw a tantrum when things weren't going his way.
I know he hurt you.
I just want the girls out there who are feeling a little let down or disappointed to know that it doesn't begin and end with a man.
In some cases, it only ends.
The one crystal clear realisation I have had in the past few weeks is that it is better to be alone than with someone you can't stand. It is better to come to terms with yourself and fill that emptiness with you rather than with yet another disappointing cock.
I dont know whether tis' the season, but I have heard nothing but horror stories when it comes to men lately, and a few friends and I were musing about why this is so.
Here were some of the hypothetical causes:
- girls put out too easily.
- they have had their heart stomped on by one too many chicks and now feel the need to take it out on all chicks as this is the most mature way of moving on with your fucking life.
- They need to get laid.
-They have been laid too much lately and need to get ahold of themselves before their head disappears right up their own ass. Then they wont be able to spout bullshit (well not literally).
-They watch too much porn.
- SOME men are stuck in a prolonged childhood much like a prolonged acid trip except its just not as cute.
Id also like to take this moment and proclaim that I am not referring to ALL men in this case. Some men are killing it. They have their shit together, dont continually talk about themselves and actually gain personal pleasure from treating a girl nicely.
While others insist on treating you like a whore and making you cry, just because they can.
I want to give kudos to the first category of men, you aren't pussies and you aren't whipped.
You are being men, taking a stand for what you think is right and looking forward, rather than back.
The other category is on a steady slope to pedophilia town as the older they get, the less likely WOMEN will put up with their psychosomatic post-modern bullshit and they will have to rely on their car and 10% off Boost vouchers to pull a chick.
Maybe we as humans need to reconnect to our humanity instead of speaking to each others faces in text language like LOL and shit, I think our internet connection is the only thing binding us together these days and its making us jaded to the prospect of real feelings like lust, love, passion and desire.
I would not want to live in a world where these fundamental human feelings die out due to everyone being a bit too cool to state how they really feel. So, in the spirit of declarations, I will start:
I FALL IN LOVE EASILY
& I HURT EASILY.
I AM AN ANGRY & APATHETIC GIRL
BUT CHANCES ARE I LOVE YOU.
There we go. Now, you start.