Wednesday, February 29, 2012
AREN'T CHICKS JUST SO FUCKING SHIT?
we are all such whores and bitches, arent we?
All we do is fuck around and get our tits out and suck huge dicks all fucking god damn fucking day.
We literally do not have anything better to do besides suck massive cocks and then talk about it with our other slut friends.
TEE HEE HEE!
I know i take any opportunity to get my huge knockers out of my bra and entice strange men at any opportunity I get!
I skulk the bar at Hugos Lounge looking for eldery businessmen to buy me drinks then act like Im going to sleep with him, only to leave him in the cab line! OMG SO FUNNY!
All us girls seem to do is sit around all fucking day and dream about how we can impress boyz. Love me boyz.
We secretly plan to ruin any girls life that is minutely prettier/more popular than us because thats all we care about.
We just care about boys liking us, thats why we dress in huge high heels and short dresses. Because we want to get screamed at for being a slut.
THE PUSSY IS OUT OF THE BAG!
We totes do it coz of that. yew.
We are just so disposable and make up shit in our heads because we are fucking crazy. Hasnt anyone told you?
We are batshit crazy the lot of us, even Miranda Kerr or Mila Kunis will key your car or cut the tip of your penis off- because we are all lunatics looking for you to love us unconditionally.
We are only at university so we can see if there are any HAWT dudes there! Totes not there to learn stuff, WHAT? haha! Im just studying until someone finally proposes to me and then I can have twins named Paris and Nicky that will be a complete outrageous slut just like me!
We will fight over you, but you knew that right? We will rip our extensions out and break our nails if you are seeing both of us at the same time, because we are just so determined to jump on that dick.
Call me anything you want baby, slap me and pull my hair because I am just a worthless whore cunt who belongs in the kitchen listening to you and your mates make even more ill informed, chauvinistic slurs about how God is a man and that you fucking rule at fucking everything.
& now a word from a heaps big whore bitch, Rachel Perry when asked why should dudes love chicks?:
"What a sad time when a young woman such as myself can't think of a legitimate reason why. But in saying that, I think that boils down to a consequent reason... Dudes should love chicks because that's what all human beings deserve, regardless of the sex. But, here's a reason... dudes should love chicks, because we are the ultimate boost to their ego (not as a commodity). Without the interest of women, life would be boring for dudes. Beer pong and video games might keep you entertained for a few hours. But at the end of the day, if you're only interested in shit like that, the only balls that will be going anywhere near anything wet
remain to be the ping pong balls"
But now I am going to shut up, unbunch my panties and get back to making you that
sandwich, darling.... do you want dijon with that shit or not?
Monday, February 13, 2012
AFTERTHOUGHT: Please play the video at the bottom while reading this post. It will all make sense at the end.
Dont get your panties in a twist, its just Tuesday right?
I went to woolies today to get some sushi shit and was bombarded with almost dead red roses and yet still I couldnt help but sigh and feel a bit like Bridget Jones on the eve of the second most hyped up date in the yearly calendar- VALENTINES DAY. (NYE holds top spot)
This is the angle I am going to take, I am not going to sit and complain while secretly scoffing a kilo of furry friends in the safety of my computer screen, I am going to throw out some options for the single lass/lads out there for tomorrow.
1. Go to work as usual and carry on like you would any other day of the week.
2. Break down on your way to work as dickheads giggle and swoon at their i phones on the train commute like complete knobs. I mean, who really considers a text to ever be romantic? Our generation is more fucked than Robert Downey Jr circa 1988.
3. Buy yourself some flowers and have them sent to your work a la Cher from Clueless. Its like buying a fake Louis Vuitton bag from Thailand. If you can fathom doing that then you will have no shame forking out for some daisies.
4. Go to the gym and punch the living shit out of a bag as you picture the latest fuckwit you have had to put up with in your life. At least youll get some anger out while shedding kilos so youll look extra banging for the next time your in the line for sirens.
5. Do NOT say things you do not mean, just because its a fucking pussy of a day.
6. DO say things to get pussy on this day, as it is known the world over as being the one 24 hours in which women are most vulnerable and willing to get dicked in order to prove a point. We've come so far.
7. Be careful who you do ask out on a date if you do only want some pussy, as for some reason the stakes are higher on Tuesday. If you want my advice, look for the drunkest chick at whatever establishment you frequent and pounce on that because she has probably forgotten that its Valentines Day and thinks you look like Clive Owen.
8. Don't complain to your male friends about anything to do with love. They don't want to hear it.
9. Don't complain to any of your female friends about anything to do with love. They don't want to hear it.
10. If you don't receive any sort of material possession from the opposite (or same) sex tomorrow don't have a bitch fit and cry. If it was any other day you would probably think they were a stalker and dump the thing in the rubbish, because you are super hot, arent you?
11. People complaining about people complaining about Valentines Day are even worse than the original offenders. No it does not have a negative effect, go and play with a ball or something. (not balls- unless you are drunk and they look like Clive Owen)
12. For fucks sake ladies, make the walk of shame on Wednesday worth it. Pack a bag with fresh undies, thongs and a headband or even if you are smarter than that some active wear and joggers to blend in to Ocean View Drive without anyone being the wiser.
13. I will be loitering around Ocean View Drive on Wednesday morning purely for the Walk of Shamers. God love ya's.
14. Don't hang out with someone you arent interested in because its V Day and you feel lonely you cold hearted mutt. People are humans dammit!
15. Call your pop or your nan, fuck it'll make their day.
16. Be a smart ass, it is the best way to pep your day up if you are feeling down.
17. Do not think about things that have already been and are done and then do 15 tequila shots- you are punishing yourself because some twat at the beery gave his chick a teddy bear stuffed with dingers and then he copped a blowie in the toot.
18. Girls- you don't have to give blowies tomorrow night. YEWWWWW.
19. Dudes- you don't have to buy mundane shit from the Caltex tomorrow night and pretend like you thought about it for ages. YEWWWW.
20. Downside of that though is dudes wont be getting head and chicks wont be getting two king sized mars bars for $2.50. not yew.
21. Use this opportunity like you would a Melbourne Cup- just another day in farkin straya to get on the piss and have an excuse. OATH.
22. Set fire to all those shit chick mags and smoke a doob by the light of Miranda Kerr or whoever is the face of David Jones at the moment.
23. Coax a security guard into buying you a drink- that shit is way more rewarding than a box of favourites.
24. Buy yourself a box of favourites and don't eat the cherry ripes- instead use them to throw out of car windows at couples gazing at the sunset with some filthy Snoop Dogg song blasting about fucking and yell "FO SHIZZLE" out the window and speed off laughing. Trust me, it is hilarious & I have been on both sides of that scenario.
25. Get dressed up like it's Halloween and when people question you about it, tell them that you have been following the Mayan calendar and that THE WORLD IS GOING TO END! REPENT! REPENT! then run off stripping your zombie outfit into the ocean.
26. Act like a complete fuckwit to everyone because you are forever alone and it's everyone elses fault.
27. Feed some ducks while listening to Hardcore, the juxtaposition will tickle you. & the ducks will be that stoked.
28. Wear one of those fucking stupid whole bodysuits that cover your head and everything and come in stupid colours, go supermarket shopping in it and as you gently place your banana flavoured condoms on the counter, ask the checkout chick if they want to be your valentine.
29. remember if you are ridin solo- its time to get your shit together, time to get your shit to-geth-errrr, yeaaaheeeyyy.
30. Tell someone you have never met that they are beautiful. If they are in a relationship they will get their collective spouse Shane/Shaz to punch your lights out, or you might make their Valentines Day.
All I know is that I will at some point be drinking a Pina Colada while getting caught in the rain and realising that I am not into Yoga yet hoping that I have half a brain.