Saturday, December 24, 2011


Merry fucking Christmas.

I bet if you are a girl you have been called a psycho, or at the very least heard lads talking about how chicks are nuts.

Now I find it offensive calling all of female-kind "psychos" as we all aren't out to seduce you (poor things), ring your number 32872478583 times leaving 12763264623 messages asking what you are doing and what you want to do and to then key your car and become friends with your mother behind your back.

Sometimes girls are just out to get what they humanly want regardless of how hot you think you are and how your cock must shoot special stage 5 clinger dust that gets all up in there and turns the cool chick into a head case. Some of us were originally headcases but you failed to notice that when you were having a scintillating conversation with our titz.

Thats your fault buster, you missed out on the fact that we said we did have 28 cats with names all starting with the letter 'Q' or that we usually get horny on wednesday afternoons after X Factor because of the lesbian crush we had on Mel B when we were 11.

All that was on your mind was the sweet sweet puss, so dont turn around with your chest puffed out like a Taylor Square pigeon and a nosehole to rival Cosima Devito and tell your mates that she is SO FUCKEN KEEN AY.

I completely acknowledge the fact that some girls ruin it for the rest of us. The ones you see running around in a cocktail dress with no shoes on and a blonde wig screeching about why you dont love her. (TRUE STORY)

But to assume every single chick is out to get into your pants (HAHAHAHA) and then stalk your facebook page the way i stalk my netbank account hoping for some sort of miracle is completely absurd.

On the other hand, if you are keen on a girl (& maybe for only one night- no judgement about that, do what you want) it wont kill you to maybe take her out on a date first, not just rock up to the beery with your dick in your hand swinging it around in the attempt to win her affections. An ice cream costs $3 and will make her feel a bit special (fuck this is depressing that that is what we should hope for- for fucks sake)

I am sighing in exasperation at this situation.

EXAMPLE: My friend Bek met this guy at a work party and SHOCK HORROR he took her out on a date and then MESSAGED HER AFTER IT. I was like wow that is so nice! Then immediately I thought- wait, why is that SO NICE?
shits turned fucked if you ask me.

Here are the reasons why I think its gone pear shaped:

1. We put out too readily.

2. Boys think they are the shit.

3. We have become a better bargain than the Fleshlight.

4. Salt N Pepa are no longer making new albums.

However, I have no answer as to correct this conundrum. I suppose the saying is true:

I know some girls who wont message the boy first in the fear of that male thinking that she is psycho. What happened to the empowering of women going for what they want? Its oppression in the mildest form, but its still there.

So here are some tips from Salt N Pepa:

Just think, Santa would take anything he could get- poor bastard.