Friday, September 30, 2011
I just need to tell you something.
I am a man.
I have a dick and a scrotum and an adams apple and hairy toe knuckles.
I fuck girls
I yell at girls about how they look
I eat steak and kick footys
I will fucken bash ya if ya get in me face.
Does this clear it all up?
Can you now stop coming up to me as a stranger and asking me what gender I really am?
Because I AM A MAN.
I was born a woman called Jessica and then I got my hair cut, and with that snip snip of the scissors, I became a man.
It happened overnight just like Frankenstein.
I am the undead, I woke up with a hairy back and a defined jaw line.
Can you now keep your mix of dorito and scotch breath out of my fucking face now?
Asking me if in fact I am a man?
Because I am.
A fucking man, and I will fuck you up the ass with my giant cock if you look at me sideways.
When you pull over on the side of the road to ask me this question, I will just flop the old thing out so you can see for yourself.
When you sit there in your testosterone fueled groups and laugh, I will show you one teste and tell you to put it on your forehead.
When you tell me to show you my dick,
When you call me a cross dresser,
When you call me a transvestite,
When you ask me "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU AAAAHAHAHAHAH?",
Ill make sure to cum all over your ignorant, narrow minded, aged before its time, stereroid induced face.
Is that what you want? Do you like a girl who looks like a male? Do you have mother problems? Do you have a dick so tiny that its 3/4 foreskin?
Dont take it our on your bro's man. Because I am a bro, not a ho. thats the saying isnt it? HAHA FUCKEN GENIUS BRO.
I just dont have enough armour to protect myself anymore from all these people mistaking me for a woman.
I am a man,
so now you all know
and you can get fucked.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
1. Hassling people via the internet or anything that requires you to physically "like" something is a pussy move. End of. I dont care how many time I have to repeat myself, you look like a massive spanner. Especially when you use sarcasm and expect others to understand what the fuck you are talking about, it is hard to look at a bunch of words on a screen and differentiate between you with your dick in your cheek or if you are sitting there with reading glasses and a stern look on your face.
2. Whatever happened to P.O.D? I would like to think they have shaved all their dreads off and are sitting at home being a house husband with a guitar set up in their garage. Wrinkles slowly forming on their faces while juggling a few kids, married to an indie chick with blue streaks in her hair and constantly replaying their music videos on VHS.
3. Sometimes you got to take a step back and think, why do i admire them? Is it because everyone else does? Is it because they can afford things I can not? Or is it because I am told to? Sometimes if you take a step back, you will realise you are actually pining to be an ocker gold digger who spends more times on stage at Westfields than actually doing anything worth admiration.
4. Bindi Irwin is not a virgin.
5. The funniest thing you can do on a hot summer afternoon is swing at a donkey pinata with a blindfold on.
6. The most attractive person in the world can lose all their appeal once they become aggressive or get into a public brawl.
7. I miss my boy friends.
8. The best conversations I have ever had in my life have been while watching the sun come up on a balcony.
9. No one should ever be made to feel self conscious about who they are.
10. No matter how old you get, as a girl, you will ALWAYS feel intimidated walking into a space where the majority are males. From the tiniest wince to the wave of adrenaline- you will feel it.
11. I dont like the chauvinistic Facebook groups. (shocker...) But I am thankful for them, and I think girlkind should be as well. Why you may ask- well because you can go on them and look at all the people who like them, and make a mental note about who has a teeny tiny penis. Then you can cross them off you potential list of male suitors as they are not worth bothering with. And usually boys who join those groups would probably choke you mid act anyway. BUT ITS JUST A JOKE, SHIT SETTLE DOWN - you may say.
If you are basing your sense of humour through a social network- you need to get some pussy, just better hope they have not seen this blog.
12. If you are a girl and past the age of about 17, you are not allowed to act dumb anymore. Quit pretending you have nothing to say with your mouth, but prefer to speak with your eyes. Its so weird. Telling people you only like to eat cucumbers, bananas or lifesaver iceblocks will not get the party started.
13. If you do happen to deface an ex's property, do not call them on a private number confessing to it, or admit it to a close friend of theirs. Rookie mistake, and it makes you look like Nick Nolte or Amy Fisher.
14. Dont ever deface an ex's property, its all about being the bigger person.
15. Do not send naughty texts or picture texts to boys or girls you dont know that well. Or even if you do know them pretty well. A girl will always show her friends. ALWAYS. A boy I dont know, maybe someone could help me out with that- but i would assume it would be much the same. DONT DO IT- unless you want your butthole all over instagram (in Hefe filter though....)
16. If you happen to slur, "gimme a kisssshh", you can get fucked.
17. We are at the age where if you leave scissors lying around the place, you dont so much look like you are into arts and crafts as you look like a stoner.
18. Girls can tell when you are talking with your Johnson, rather than with your mouth.
19. Is it just me or is everyone else slightly annoyed by technology? Just a little?
20. The Beery re-opens tomorrow. Do you understand what this means? MANY MANY MANY more hilarious Central Coast themed stories for you. It is going to be like the opening ceremony of the Sydney 2000 Olympic Games down there on Saturday night. Fucking Nikki Webster will probably be there in a hawaiian body con and a voddie pine in the other hand, Ross from sirens dick in the other. God help us all. But I must admit, I am kind of relieved.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
HERE ARE SOME LEGITIMATE (!) REASONS FOR SOMETIMES HATING BEING THE FAIRER SEX:
* Not being able to pee in public without looking like you are participating in some dirty Oz Aerobics class.
* Getting hooted and hollered at.
* The request: "Show us ya tits".
* Being the "other woman"
* Knowing when you are being used for an ego boost. (If you have walked away from this, kudos- you are a strong woman.)
* If you have short hair you can be misconstrued for being a Lesbian.
* If you then defend yourself, you may also be misconstrued as a Lesbian or even worse, a feminist (god forbid).
* Always being the majority when it comes to the prey of serial killers or rapists.
* Having to rely somewhat on males for protection from other males.
* Knowing your chances of being taken while standing on the side of the road at 3am are dramatic.
* Its so much easier to be seen as a "try hard" as some men find that common ground between a male and a female equals her trying to fit into his ideal. Sorry lads, not everything I do, not every fucking food item on my supermarket list, not the way I pour petrol into my car, not the accidental eye contact across a bar, nor the short skirt I am wearing mean I want you or want your sweaty scrotum anywhere near my chin.
* If you have a general anger at some types of humans that just seem to have a penis, you are then ironically stereotyped as a "man hater" for stereotyping all of mankind. interesting.
* For some reason, and it still goes on with vicious ferocity- women hating other women or speaking badly of one another, due to the constant and furious undercurrent that we are brought up with. We must compare ourselves to one another (or Barbie when you are old enough to understand she is an ideal) and compete against one another like we are in some Tits and Punani Olympics, and let me tell you that we aren't! Just because some men dump you like their morning bowel movement sometimes doesn't mean that the next girl they go for is any better or lesser than you. (and he will get to show them his "super awesome" sex moves that usually finish with an Oscar nominated performance to rival Geoffrey Rush in Shine from the chick, and the guy sitting there staring at his ceiling mirror thinking to himself, "Did it again, Champ- I mean I'd fuck me if i was a chick.")
* The notion that we all know how to cook and clean when we come out of the womb. And if we don't, well we should be ashamed (but also have a high powered career).
* The word "fat" and what it can do to someones insides, let alone their outsides. Watch your mouths when it comes to that, our society upgrades our Happy Meals but then tells us we should be watching our weight like a hawk. Eating Disorders are not anything to aspire to. They are a disease of the mind in which the person involved cannot be blamed for.
* When boys laugh at a girl who trips when she is in heels (happened to me last night). I am sorry but if all other types of industry collapsed and all that was left was the Circus, I am pretty sure I would have a lifelong career as a stilt walker, and you would be the gigolo for the bearded lady.
* Judgement. For everything. From everyone- just for being yourself. (This goes for both sexes)
* STILL being spoken down to.
* Having to bring a man to a mechanic.
* Those sick bastards on ChatRoulette.com who get their cock out or ask you to show them your cans. Sorry mate, Cybersex is so 1997. There is just something beyond creepy about a guy with socks, glasses and a shirt on but no pants with his tiny dick out in front of his PC. Why a PC? Because Justin Long would never get his dick out and he is the MAC guy.
* Deadshit chicks, who are blatantly deadshit because they don't want to look like they have a "mouth" on them- except when it counts, if you know what I mean.
* Some cunt on Geordie Shore kept calling this chick a "banker" which meant he could access the "bank" whenever he wanted and the "bank" would be there for him to fuck. Don't treat women like objects, it makes you look like you have Mummy issues.
* Womens sports being seen as less than male sports.
* Having to touch up make up on a night out.
* Having to lend other women my make up when touching up on a night out.
* Hearing the complaints of other women about their weight, hair, boyfriend, style, life, job, beliefs, skin, face and pretty much everything else as for some reason (which I would really like to understand) some of us just can't seem to grasp a sense of belief in ourselves, or be satisfied with what we have. Nothing ever seems to be good enough.
* Knowing I will be judged as a complete whinger for this blog post.