Monday, May 30, 2011


-men are babes.
 -men are strong.
 -men are courageous.
 -men are sensitive.
 -men talk the truth.
 -men keep secrets.
 -men have long hair
 -men have short hair.
 -men grow facial hair.
 -men grow chest hair.
 -men get tattoos.
 -men get tattoos removed if they are their ex girlfriend's name.
 -men love their family.
 -men love their friends.
 -men hold your hand.
 -men give you their jacket.
- men take photographs.
- men brood.
- men smile.
 -men hang out with your friends when he has no other men around, and he enjoys it.
 -men write songs.
 -men play instruments.
 -men are humble and modest about it.
- men appreciate and/or enjoy hip hop but do not think that they are actually a rap artist (unless they actually are).
 -men know how to please a woman (or another man).
 -men are amazing.
 -men are amazed at women.
 -men don't know when they are being sexy.
 -men aren't sleazy.
 -men don't react violently or aggressively when things aren't going their way.
 -men say yes.
 -men know how to say no.
 -men will let you know where you stand.
 -men wear suits.
 -men wear jackets.
 -men wear denim.
 -men wear necklaces.
 -men know when not to speak.
 -men know what to say.
 -men don't make sexist comments or use the term "sweetheart" in the wrong context.
 -men change your life.
 -men put their arms around you.
 -men let you put your arms around them.
 -men don't shut down.
 -men observe.
 -men are being observed.
 -men dance.
- men stand up for what is right.
- men make sacrifices.
- men bring you spontaneous pastries.
- men think outside of what is known as "romantic".
- men overpower you when it is necessary.
- men slick back their hair.
- men are patient.
- men are kind.
- men are confident.
- men are sexy.
- men have an innocent look in their eyes.
- men smell good.
- men don't ignore.
- men travel the world.
- men are ambitious.
- men are equal.
- men are beautiful.
- men don't use internet language (on the internet or in real life).
- men never say LOL.
- men write things down.
- men aim high.
- men don't discredit women based on looks.
- men only walk around shirtless at the beach or at home.
- men don't talk shit about women that is peppered with insecure undertones.
- men don't hide their feelings.
- men inspire.
- men are admired.
- men are original.
- men wear dark sunglasses.
- men admire the female form.
- men do not cum on your face/tits.
- men cut your hair.
- men do not lead you on.
- men do not start fights, but they will finish them.
- men know how to start a conversation.
- men hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
- men are ginger.
- men wear rings.
- men are not insecure about their sexuality or anyone else's.
- men are blonde.
- men are dark.
- men listen to the music they believe in.
- men do not pout.
- men do not pose for photographs whilst pouting.
- men cook things on the barbeque.
- men appreciate other cultures.
- men make mistakes.
- men admit when they are wrong.
- men can hold their liquor.
- men do what they want.
- men are just lovely.


Sunday, May 29, 2011


I never knew how I would be able to say the things I have always wanted to say to you out loud.
They seem so much more poetic in my head, whenever I think of you and what you did.
Maybe I am being romantic and whimsical about such a bleak existence I was living at the time.
Maybe it helps to deal with it better that way.
But I will never forget you, or what you did.

I think I should start from the beginning.

I was trapped in my own body, no knowing who I would become or what the next day would bring.
You showed me myself.
You made me believe I was more than what I was allowing myself to be.
You were the first.
You were the last.
You still make me nervous and I do not know why.
Or maybe I do.

The world became a galaxy with you and I will never forget what that felt like.
I am fearful that was the only fleeting moment in my life.

You changed me forever.

Before you, I was easily influenced and could be molded into any form.
I was a chameleon without any colour.

I was a blank page that you scribbled on then left.
But I am not bitter.
I could never be even if I tried.

The etchings you left on me, stay with me.

I doubt you will ever read this or fully understand the profound place you had in my life.
Because I was foolish and young.

But I am older now, and I see things more clearly than I ever have before.

All I really want to say is thank you.

You saved my life.

Friday, May 27, 2011



1. Men look so amazing with a nice tailored haircut. 

2. Men with gaps in their teeth make me melt.

3. Men who open the door for you and buy you flowers are a wilting breed.

4. you should be able to wear this jacket out in Terrigal and not have the threat of getting bashed. I was going to wear it out there a few weekends ago but my brother advised me against it stating, "Jess, if you wear that out tonight I will have serious concerns for your safety."

5. The F3 should crash and burn much like the truck that did on Monday afternoon and caused me to wait in heavy traffic for some time.

6. When you are actually smart but feel the need to make stupid comments, i feel sorry for you.

7. When it is summer, you wish for winter. When it is winter, you wish for summer.

8. Last night when I couldnt get to sleep I realised how jaded I was when I couldnt picture a field with sheep jumping across it, and could only imagine the new Ricky Gervais podcast that I am planning on listening to today.

9. I have a profound respect for anyone who is checking into ARQ at 9am in the morning.

10. On the Central Coast, sunday drivers are milling about at all hours of the day throughout the week.

11. If your friend/family member/ dog seems sad, you should ask them what is wrong.

12. I still believe that God is a black cat, after taking mushrooms in Thailand.

13. Some jokes never get old.

14. How to make it in the corporate world: KISS SOME ASS.

15. Tickets to Splendour in the Grass are $75 more than last year. FACT.

16. If you do not already know who Karl Pilkington is, then you need to look him up right this minute and listen to anything he has to say. Absolute comedy genius.

17. People froth on a bargain. I went for a casual stroll into Borders at Tuggerah who were having their closing down sale, and all that was left were a couple of sheets of paper and a toothpick. It looked like some paper fiending dinosaur had shredded through there and left nothing but a few scraps and something to clean his teeth with.

18. The Hangover 2 is like the difficult second album. For example, Stacie Orrico. Where is she now? She had so much to look forward to. Probably not chasing every temporary high.

19. READ: 'Everyone loves you when you're dead' by Neil Strauss. Or make that, anything by Neil Strauss. He had a beer with Bruce Springsteen, made Julian Casablancas apologise for being too drunk, made Lady Gaga cry, flew in a helicopter with Madonna and drove Snoop Dogg around while Suge Knight was famously trying to kill him dead. And Im only up to chapter two.

20. Do not go into Priceline at Tuggerah and talk to the girls working there. I got stuck there for 20 minutes listening to some chick talk about how her room mates at Armidale Uni all wear red lipstick but with different outfits and how it looks so totally shit. What the fuck is happening to our youth.

21. Social media sickens me, but I cant live without it. It is seriously the cheap cocaine (also known as crack) that is running through so many people veins as they are out actually socialising one on one with people but then feel the need to stop mid conversation and check their Facebook. At least I can say that is not me (But only because I dont have the internet on my phone)

22. I feel sorry for the makers of MySpace.

23. Who wants to come with me for National Slut walk? Its in Newtown in June and it will be epic.

24. Masterchef has gotten ridiculously dad jokey. There must be a pun writer somewhere backstage sweating over how many puns he can make up to do with cooking rabbit. Yes, last week I did actually hear one of the smug fucking judges yell out, "Thats all folks!" Jesus christ....

25. I hope everyone out there has a crush.

P.S. 25.5. The thing that irritates me and scares me the most at the same time are those birds (usually pigeons or sea gulls) that are having a tiff in the middle of the road and you drive towards them and sorta break and accelerate little by little but you cant see where they are and I always expect to hear some sort of popping noise and an explosion of feathers and then all the birds who were angry at that bird for eating a chip or something, turns on me and it gets all Alfred Hitchcock up in this bitch.


Who were babes back in the day.

Bob Dylan.
Chevy Chase.
Clark Gable.
Colin Firth.
David Duchovny.

Elvis Presley

Erol Flynn.

Keanu Reeves (holy shit...)

Leonardo Dicaprio

Marlon Brando.

Mick & Keith.

Jim Morrison.

Robert Plant.

Bruce Springsteen.

Tony Curtis.

John Travolta.

Mark Wahlberg.

Christian Bale.

Now I pose to you this question (for male and female audience members):


I might be a time travel hussy- but I would make babies with any one (or all) of these beautiful men. (back in 73 that is...)

Saturday, May 21, 2011


I was once at the beery in Terrigal and saw a girl pick up a steel chair and fling it at another girl.

I ducked out of pure reflex and then as usual gathered around to see what events would surely take place.

I was just thinking about that incident and wondering why girls are so willing to throw punches these days.

Whether its over some lad looking guy who is standing by waiting to see which one beats out the other like a cock fight, making sure the one who ends up with a chunk of extensions in their hand gets a well earned gobbie at the end of the night.

Or whether it is over a spilled drink by "accident" or maybe a derogatory slur in the middle of a bar line.

Us girls shouldnt be getting into fisticuffs over these matters. It makes me wonder if the term "lady" has been buried for a long time now.

But then again, shouldnt we stand up for what we deem is right, albeit in some dirty bar brawl where your bodycon ends up over your head for your new target undies to make a splash for all the punters within view.

I have an adverse respect for anyone, male or female, who doesnt succumb to the pressures of a fight. I find a fight pointless, believing you can sort out your problems with words or at the very least, with a few hollow threats.

We as women, find it hard to define femininity anymore. At least I do anyway.

Being tough has become an admirable quality for chicks, and weakness being defined as being quiet or taking the high road in some cases.

It just seems very low brow and 'Mean Fiddler' of us girls to throw down when we are challenged by other girls who feel the need to punch on.

I have a friend, who will remain nameless (but will probably be recognisable to the people who know her well) that when she has had a few MAY rattle off some insults kind of quietly but kind of not for her own entertainment and usually for ours as well. She did it a little too loudly a while back in the middle of Terrigal and some girl came up and palmed her in the face.

"That is so aggressive" was my first thought, followed by "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Maybe the spectacle of two girls talking tough is funny, and not taken as seriously as a couple of blokes exchanging the same words. Maybe because growing up in this area, a biff is as common as a group of dressed up chicks at N Thai Sing skulling bottles of vino.

And therefore, the biff in Terrigal has just become second nature, and something to expect when travelling out there for a casual binge drink.

Yet, I still find myself sighing and rolling my eyes when I see a pair of etnies flying past my eyeline.

The art of the brawl is just so common amongst males that when chicks get rough, it is almost taboo and just something you can not avert your gaze from. Or maybe, boys watch it and egg the girls on in the vain hope a tit will come flying out of their sequin camisole top and they can cross that off their bucket list.

Or maybe it has something to do with all the girl on girl mud wrestling that has become a national sport (and international) producing a gaggle of guys all aching to see a few rigs rolling around in wet dirt.

Sometimes I just think we have moved backwards for feminism. It is so hard to determine whether it is empowering for women to finally express their hatred for other females, or if it just classless and in poor taste in terms of being a "lady".

And it is so hard to determine what is feminine. Is it feminine to show off your shit and sleep with as many men as humanly possible?
Is it feminine to not give a fuck what people think and just be who you are anyway?
Is it feminine to channel the retro goddesses of the past and adhere to the whole Stepford mentality?
Is it feminine to just be a girly girl and pretend you love manicures and extensions and fake tan and the whole deal, when you dont really? (me.)

But then again (without trying to sound too confused) I do enjoy the blending of sexes that the 21st century has brought upon us.
The men who look like women (Andrej Pejic- google him)
The women who look like men.
The people who look like neither.

But you will always find your critic, who wants the world to stay the same. For men to put up their dukes in the heat of battle, and the women to be screaming mascara dripped messes standing on the sidelines screaming,
"Shaneeee!!!!! He didnt call me a slut!.....It was the other guy over there! KICK HIS ASS SHANE!"

I laugh in your general direction.

So there it is, my extremely confused view on chick fights. I do not believe they are right.
And especially considering the majority of them are over some deadshit male who they dont really like, they just have some sort of lioness "dont piss where I have pissed" mentality that they feel is worth fighting for.

Its a jungle out there.

Thursday, May 5, 2011



pie & Jess.

Marie & Ellen.

Jess & Madeline.

Jess & Bridie.

Bridie & Meg




Meg & Jess.


Everyone has friends that bring something special into the mix.
Whether that be the sense of humour, or the weed connection.
Everyone contributes and everyone is special.

I love my friends so much.
And I know everyone hears that all the time and it does get old, but fuck you for caring about how many times I say I love my friends.
You are obviously not one of them.

I happen to have a set of amigos that are undeniably babes.
You can not look at the aforementioned photographs and disagree.
Unless you are stupid or have a serious penchant for fake tits, no brains and pelvis' that resembles a hallway.

I love them and I do believe they love me back.

However, when you are surrounded by a flock of beautiful hummingbirds at every moment you tend to notice the male backlash.

For instance, I get asked a million times a minute if one of them is single, or interested in the poor sap with no testicles asking her friend if he has a shot.
Put it this way, if you are asking me, you do not have a shot in hell with this beautiful woman.
Go home and get on Ebay to find some deals on the Fleshlight.

I was once watching The Prodigy (please open Itunes and put on a Prodigy song if you have one on there to really set the scene of how ludacris (ha) this was) when a boy who I saw frequently on the cruise at Schoolies grabbed my arm mid dance and shouted-stuttered into my ear

" ya friend....ya friend there....single? Is she single?"

I turned around and naturally screamed fuck off in his face.

I am not complaining about the constant berating I get from lads trying to get five minutes in these lovely girls dacks, but it makes me resent the fact that these bastards do not even take a minute to get to know these amazing girls, but rather judge them on how lovely they are and then proceed to ask their friend to get some action.

These girls are not for your childish needs that night.
Dont touch them if you are fucking around.
I will kill you.

Do you understand me?

I know some of the girls above have love in their lives with boys who deserve them and some do not yet.
The time will come, and when it does....Ill be damned if its from some dude with a stiffy in a festival crowd asking ME for their number.

These flowers that are in my life will never be trampled upon.
These sunny days that are in my life wont ever feel the clouds coming over them.

I love you .

20/20 VISION.