Monday, August 30, 2010
I dont think i have smiled so much ever!
So i got woken up by my brother asking for money for petrol, even though i paid for his indian food last night (he got butter chicken), and all he did was re pay me with a box of smarties (my favourite chocolate always), so he was in the good books then, but he proceeded to wake me up at 7am for moolah.
I gave him the moolah, much like what the sopranos family would exchange money (we are quarter italian), and then got up and made some weetbix and wondered what to do with the three hours im usually still sleeping in.
I decided to download some everclear to my iphone, chuck on some shorts and a white t shirt and orange lipstick and set off for wamberal beach.
I got down there and walked the entire length of that motherfucker even though the waves were splashing on my feet and it was kind of cold, but then I was getting hot because its sunny as fuck out there today, like a giant gaytime icecream has replaced the sun and is just beating down with tiny biscuit bits that cover it, which i dont think anyone knows exactly what they are.
I saw so many puppies. Of all shapes and sizes and they looked like they were in their own lovely bones. One golden retriever was all wet and came up to me for a pat and I didnt care, I pat the cute little mutt like i was going blind tomoro. and then i told him where his blue ball had gone.
I listened to everclear, and then some passion pit, and sat on the beach with sand all down my pants (i dont know how it got there) and GRINNED at the entire situation and felt so amazing!
I then thought, I should blog this because I cant get over how happy I was/ still am in that place and time, it was just so beautiful.
And I watched surfers and they looked at me too, and then they came out of the water one by one and we smiled at each other.
not even the truck with ÄUSTRALIAN MADE" written in big gothic letters on the back and southern cross or the fight I had with Jetstar at 8am, or the liquid eyeliner which had gone all the way up my eyelid because it was windy could deter me from feeling like the happiest girl in the world.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
1. Eat frogs legs.
2. Learn how to speak italian.
4. perfect a good bolognaise sauce.
5. Meet Ricky Gervais.
6. Save someone's life.
7. Learn how to play the drums and look good while doing it.
8. Do a keg stand.
9. Go to Paris, Texas USA.
10. Live in Venice, Italy and Venice Beach in the same year.
11. Do blow with Johnny Depp.
12. Visit Jim Morrison's grave.
13. Have sex with Caleb Followill. Or Brandon Boyd.
14. Wear a body-con.
15. Tell someone who I despise exactly how I feel about them.
16. Forget all the people I despise.
17. Take a photograph from the top of the Empire State Building.
18. Go to Egypt dressed as Cleopatra.
19. Visit a volcano.
20. Drink straight vodka without letting on how much it hurts.
21. Dress as David Bowie (Ziggy Stardust) for a whole day.
22. Become friends with the Mighty Boosh.
23. Learn how to drive a manual.
24. Bake a cake from scratch.
25. Make out with a boy in a church. (not as in marriage, but as in the confessional).
26. Get arrested.
27. Interview someone really important.
28. Write a book.
29. Go back to europe.
30. Marry a boy who has a gap in his teeth.
Friday, August 27, 2010
if you ARE gonna get herpes- it’s way cooler to contract them from someone who’s been on a billboard."
Monday, August 23, 2010
This is the second part of the series on why we love each other, boys and girls that is.
Now that I have proclaimed my love for men, I thought they should do the same, so I asked around and this is what I recieved:
# Modesty in girls.
# When they smile at me.
# The way a girl brings out the best in a boy
# The smell a girl leaves on your pillow for a few days after they slept in your bed.
# That every girl washes their hair religiously and I can smell it from 100metres away.
# No matter how pissed or shitty you are, a soft kiss on the cheek and a hug can make you feel like superman again.
# When they bite my bottom lip.
# How a girl's skin is totally soft.
# Taking a female clothes shopping as I hate it, makes it easier and more efficient.
# When they get all pissed off when you are making fun of them but they secretly love it.
# They way they make your bed extra warm in winter.
# When a girl cooks you yummy food just because they can.
# BB&L (bums, boobs and legs)
# When a girl doesnt abuse the power they have over boys.
# When girls get ready altogether, putting their little make up on and dresses.
# EVERYTHING. (I heard this answer the most which is nice.)
# The contrast, compliment and challenge to a man.
# The unknown.
# The chase.
# They are fragile and small.
# The effort girls make.
# Aesthetic Beauty.
# Intimacy and the changes it has on a relationship.
# How nearly almost every girl reminds me of a kitten up close.
# The fact that nearly ten times out of ten they will always be crazier than me, so I feel sane.
# When they borrow your clothes.
# A girl when she has just woken up with messy hair and wearing your T shirt.
# A nice back of the knee (?)
# How there is a sensor in our heads that know a girl is behind us or out of our direct eyeline, and that we should turn and check them out.
# "Except for butch chicks, because they are just dudes without a cock."
THAT was a struggle.
And pretty much as soon as they said that a boy yelled out at me
"your so gay!"
and I couldnt help but laugh and feel slightly smug that I was proven right.
But that is beside the point, this post will be completely full of man love, basically, what I and some other girls I know love about boys:
! They are fun to kiss, especially when they are free of massive facial hair (sorry jack).
! When they hold your hand (especially being a girl who has mits, I like feeling small handed in that moment.)
! You can wear their havianas on the walk of shame.
! Boys in a suit.
! Gap in a boy's teeth.
! They make you feel small and engulfed in their testosterone loveliness.
! When boys first wake up, they look the cutest they could look all day, especially because they usually havent opened their mouth yet.
! The look in a boy's eye when they want to throw you on the nearest surface and get freaky.
! Wrestling with a boy and they get too into it and get sly serious, to which you say "hey nup." and they look all sheepish like they forgot themselves for a second and then kiss the knee they just dislocated.
! If you cry, they always feel the need to hug you.
! Male voices always sound better.
! It is hard for them to have an annoying, distinct laugh.(Exception: Jared Wharton)
! Boys with long eyelashes because they rarely know they have them and flutter them without realising.
! When they take their shirt off and know that is nothing for them, but I dont know about you other ladies, but I alweays get a secret thrill out of it.
! Boy's backs.
! When they concentrate on things, like writing stuff down.
! How boys writing always looks like they just got their pen license.
! Watching boys surf/skate.
! Boys who smoke cigarettes
! Boys with tattoos.
! Watching boys play the drums.
! When boys call you baby/babe.
! When boys are going for a jog.
! When boys make you a sandwich or a meal and look really self concious about it.
! When you can tell they are sweating over being in your presence.
! When they stand up for their friends who are girls.
! When they invite you to pool parties.
! When they ask you "What do you want to drink?"
! When they pretend that they arent taking your fashion advice seriously, but then mysteriously appear in the recommended outfit.
! When they are in a towel and have just come out of the shower.
! When they wear plain white t shirts.
! When you catch them checking out your legs/bum.
! When they are really passionate about something.
! Boys in uniform.
! When a boy twirls you on the dancefloor.
! A man who is very close to his man friends.
! Mumford and Sons.
! Boys who refuse to be sleazy.
! THEY ARE FUCKING SEXY!!!!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Zombies is my favourite word in the english language/movie theme/ dress up theme/ type of boy.
I love zombie movies and I dont know why, and sometimes at night when im lying in my bed in that time before you fall asleep, I think about what I would do if I woke up like in Dawn of the Dead and my family had turned into brain eaters.
I was thinking about it on tuesday night, probably because I drank too much diet coke before I went to bed, and I remembered thinking I would smash through my window, cuts and bruises be damned and try and climb a really tall tree.
Because, from what I can gather, zombies arent that co-ordinated and I doubt they could climb. Seeing as that may be a fact, I should challenge them to a game of netball and make the zombie be Wing Defence, because that is the shittest position anyone can be in netball.
I particularly enjoy the female zombies as they seem to be quite a bit more rabid and crazy than the male ones. I remember seeing one of my favourites 'Shaun of the Dead'with my nanna, and she was horrified, especially in the scene where he bludgeons his own zombie mother in the head.
I was all, "chill out nan, its only a bit of humorous gore"but even still, she informed me she couldnt even choke down her sunday roast later that evening.
I dont know why im not bothered by zombie movies, but rather froth on them much like the gut munchers themselves.
Am i odd if I would prefer to one day believe in seeing a zombie (in captivity of course), instead of sighting a unicorn or a fairy?
Unicorns and fairies can go fuck themselves. Im scared enough of horses as it is, but ones with a huge spear on top of their head? Who made up this mythical creature in the first place? Some lonely perverted woman who had a fetish for beastiality, but felt bad taking the horses virginity, so instead equipped it with a sharp looking dildo? Thats my guess.
And fairies? what. the. fuck.
Tiny human beings with wings and dust that grants wishes. This screams of the crazies you see down at The Entrance trying to sell you ornaments and beaded necklaces for outrageous prices as they just might make you find the man of your dreams at Lilikoi this coming saturday.
I would pay some serious cash to see a caged zombie.
Matter of fact, I see them for free nearly every time I step outside.
Zombies waiting on platforms to catch trains.
Zombies sitting in the doctor's waiting room reading Women's Weekly.
Zombies walking international catwalks.
Zombies sitting in the Uni Library all typing the same thing over and over.
Zombies in crowds at festivals, dancing in off beat styles, grinding their teeth.
Zombies listening to the people who constantly talk about themselves, as if the shrill chorus of "ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME, I I I I I I I I I I." lulls them into zombietown.
Zombies standing in line at a bar bobbing up and down to Enrique Iglesias feat. Pitbull.
But they must all be in their sleeping time like on 'I am Legend', because hopefully one day all these faux zombies will wake up!
look around, see the bullshit their world has become and start....
EATING SOME BRRRRAAAAAIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!!
(especially the brains of the self-obsessed. seriously, get your head out of your ass...the zombies cant eat your brains from your rectum.)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
It was a navy blue hanky.
I looked at him for a moment too long, thinking about who uses hankies that is under the age of 75, only for him to then get out what looked like a strawberry flavoured lip balm and he went nuts applying that bad boy like he was practicing how to kiss girls on it.
Im not having a go at him as a person.
I just couldnt help but be astounded to the use of hankies and lippie so freely as a man?
Im not ragging on lip balm as much as hankies. It was weird.
It was kind of retro in a creepy, this boy might just become a serial killer in the not too distant future kind of way.
I guess its the little things that can make you smile or in this case, shiver that can make a day.
Like the time we saw someone threw a bong on top of a picnic shelter at the Haven, when all the while a nice wholesome family played and ate red rooster chicken sandwiches underneath it, none the wiser.
Or when someone lets a tit slip when you're on the dancefloor, it is a two-fer. It can make me shiver and then I will laugh and thank christ it wasnt me this time.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
IS THE LOOK ON A MAN'S FACE WHEN HE GETS SICK OF FUCKING THE SAME GIRL EVERY NIGHT?
I wish that look had something to do with Ron Burgundy, but I dont think it does.
However, the whole "used by date" theory is so interesting and makes me so curious that I want to put on a long white coat and toy with the idea all night in the St. Joeys science labs with Mrs. Scott.
Ive heard this theory being thrown around as a possible reason as to why things turn to shit so easily.
As in, why a boy will:
1. tune and tune and tune you until you give it up and put it down and then won't talk to you ever again, and if you talk to them they react as if you are the local crazy who has a cat in her mangled hair and as if you are wearing nothing but nipple covers and a pair of tights pulled up under your boobs.
2. Be really into the whole thing at the beginning then get to know who you really are and slowly but surely fuck off, or fuck around (either one)
3. Dump you via text/
/jet star employee
/ just not showing up at the airport when you reach your international destination
/by posting a picture of himself making out with another chick on FaceBook
/ posting a YouTube video miming to 'Fuck you right back' by EAMON.
4. Will tell you that "they still love you, but they are just not that in love with you anymore, thats why I fucked your sister. Im sorry babe."
5. Will fuck you in a hotel room and then write you a message detailing why you shouldnt tell anyone ten minutes later.
6. Will cheat on you with any girl that you do know, but the girl isnt quite close enough with you to tell you or their friends arent close enough with you to let you know.
7. Will tell you all about this girl that they are obsessed with, but "man you are just such a good listener MATE."
I think you get the point. Anyway, the REAL point is that this can cause the "used by date" theory to come into practice.
That being, everything is great and wonderful then just like a litre of Lite White, you as a person sour and get clumpy and will give your significant other extreme digestive issues if the relationship is to move forward.
Thereby, the heinous and inhumane workings of the used by date theory progress into how you must expel that dirty milk.
VOMIT THAT BITCH OUT OF YOUR BODY AND OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM!!!
Im just saying...
No one ever thinks what the off milk thought do they? It just lays on the ground, naked and shivering from being so violently projected back into the cold world.
No one cares about the off milk. They step over it and scream expletives at it as if it is the devil's money shot.
The used by date theory is one of extreme proportions that can make the off milk re think who they are, why this happens and if it is even worth putting themselves back in the bottle to be drunk once again.
It does makes for excellent stories once the intial "what the fuck this time." has worn off however.
I guess the real news is, girls get sick of fucking the same boys as well.
I hope Im not off milk, even though I have been made to feel like I am one too many times lately.
Oh well, I guess I just have to start liking boys who are lactose intolerant.
P.S. READ THIS : Soft Green Cream
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
I want to be fucked and then rolled over
Coz I'm an independent woman of the 21st Century
No time for knits, I want sex and debauchery
I read Glamour, and the Guardian
I like flowers & i'm hardy & I take cocaine
I dont give a fuck about her I want your name,
I can get fucked like the best of men, like the best of men
Like the worst of pain
inflicted on another young girl again
impressed by another guitar hero
He's a top score and you're a zero
You're out of your league!
There aint no rubber on the tracks, it's gravel
You fall hard, cut quick and it's an STD, a cut knee
You're a side of stage grasp, a laugh
An aftershow party in a bath
Fucked and expected to BE fucked
A gasp from an uninformed intruder
The crowd go wild and things get ruder,
They're already out of hand
And theres no one here to take your hand,
Its a cold shower
& a scramble for a dirty pair of knickers
Dont get yours, mixed up with hers
Now get out of bed, get out of beg, get out get out get get out of bed,
Get up, get down & get undressed
Coz thats what you do best!
strip, strip, strip & shag
FUCK, get fucked and dragged
and BE IMPRESSED,
by the better sex...
take a piece of raw vegetable and hold it to your breast,
& say you stood for NOTHING
you were just a hole that lacked passion
another undignified product of society,
That girl should have been a mansion."
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I dont know what I was thinking. Maybe, that it wouldnt be so bad...there are alot of "stars" in it.
But I have learned that if there are alot of celebrities packed into one rom com, then that means the writers/directors/producers want to lull the audience into believing that the script is genius by distracting them with big names.
Live & Learn.
It was one of those movies that you dont want to die after because you feel like you just wasted your life and you want to go out and sky dive or something to make up for the conditioned bullshit you just sat through.
Anyway, enough with handing the movie's ass back to it.
It did have some point that made me think I could write down some thoughts about.
For instance, the emphasis on Valentine's Day and especially flowers.
As I was watching it, I realised how much flowers can improve a situation.
As stupid as that just sounded after i ripped on the movie, I was watching it with a extremely good friend of mine who said:
"God I would love to get some flowers."
to which I immediately agreed. Then we went off in some spiel about how boys just dont realise the power of a flower and how much ass/ love/ out of the dog house benefits it can bring them.
No one gives flowers anymore I think....
Well not to the people who surround me anyway, except for Madeline who got a random bunch of pink roses the other day, "just because...."
See its this kind of shit that makes it a million times harder for boys to score/ get out of trouble, and a million times harder for girls when their expectations are shattered and disappointment is the focal emotion that they possess.
An anonymous friend of mine said over dinner recently:
"If he just rocked up at my house with a bunch of flowers, I would forget about all the stupid shit he's done and it would be fine."
I dont know if this blog is a hint, or whatever, but I have just noticved some compelling evidence in the way of flowers lately. It sounds so superficial and trivial, but I think the little gestures are the ones worth savouring.
And I know...I probably shouldnt be advertising another tactic for lads to get their hands on your knickers, but we all know you want their hands on your knickers as well.
Especially if they come with flowers.
Maybe the flower is really a symbol of a peace offering, just like in the sixties with that famous gesture of placing a flower in the barrel of a gun.
And I also think its interesting how girls are sort of like flowers. (well most girls)
They smell nice
They are colourful
They look pretty
They are soft to touch
And sometimes there is a bee waiting inside to sting you after its had sex with the flower.
How can i spend so much time talking about fucking flowers?
Because its winter on the Central Coast, thats why, and I think too much in winter, and I think too much on the Central Coast about dumb shit that essentially means nothing.
All I wish for this absolute time wasting blog, which ironically is a bit like Valentines Day the movie is that:
1. You dont want to blow your brains out after reading this, or sky dive.
2. You buy or pick a girl or boy who you think is a red hot lover/ sexy/ pretty/annoying/too nice to bone but still good to listen to your problems/ beautiful/ amazing/ stalker a bunch or even one little flower because it will make their day.